dear body

Dixie on June 25, 2020
dear body

dear body,

i am sorry. for all of the times i have claimed a life of love, yet have hated you. for finding beauty everywhere but within your bones. for ignoring your existence at times, shaming it at others.

you did not ask for this. you were created to be cared for. to be held. to be fully seen & fully loved.

instead, i have neglected you. i have starved you of any touch, because the touch we experienced was not kind. i have hidden you. locked you away. tried everything i could to forget you, because i blamed you for the pain.

but it is not your fault.

please hear that. the pain we have been through is not your fault.

to my feet – thank you. for keeping me grounded. for being the vessel in which i connect with the earth, with nature. for reminding me, daily, that the ground i am standing on is holy.

to my legs – thank you. for carrying me. through the dark & the light. for holding me up when all i wanted to do was collapse.

to my arms – thank you. for helping pick up the people i love when they fall. for reaching out. for bringing love in. for trying for so long to embrace me, even when i rejected you.

to my hands – thank you. for showing me that life can have purpose & beauty. for creating. for teaching me to hold love loosely, so that she can choose to stay. for being a source of music & expression. for showing me that creativity is necessary to embracing myself.

to my wrists – thank you. for staying. for healing. for not leaving, no matter how much i hurt you. i promise to try & love you better.

to my stomach – thank you. for being imperfect & not conforming to the ideals in my mind. for still fulfilling your purpose, regardless of all the times i carved away at you. for starting to trust me again. i know i don’t deserve it. & i know this will take some time.

to my chest – thank you. for staying through the abuse. for loving me, even when i hated you. even when i wished you didn’t exist. even when i did all i could to hide you. when i shamed you for being. i mean it when i say you deserve to be loved. & loved well. gently. without expectation.

to my shoulders – thank you. for carrying the weight of all of the pain. for feeling the hurt & not once complaining. for seeing the value & beauty within a heavy load. & the importance of learning to allow others to help carry my burdens.

to my neck – thank you. for helping me turn away from the pain when i could not handle it. & for standing firm in the moments i felt completely lost & alone.

to my mouth – thank you. for teaching me the value of silence, but also the strength found in speaking out. showing me that to be quiet is not weakness. & to speak is not selfish.

to my nose – thank you. for taking in oxygen when all i wanted was the breath to stop.

to my eyes – thank you. for finding the love in the world. for seeing truth. noticing pain. & acknowledging beauty in each moment.

to my ears – thank you. for listening always. for learning the hearts of others & loving the life found in their voices.

to my face – thank you. for remaining yourself, even when i wished you wouldn’t. i want to love you better.

to my body – thank you. for keeping me alive. for loving me anyways. for seeing hope, even when i couldn’t.

thank you for not giving up. even when you were given every chance to.

i am going to try & learn to love you. i know i will fail. but i will keep trying.

                                                                                                                                    with love,

                                                                                                                                                me

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